Posted in cancer, faith, friend, God, Grace, gratitude, hapiness, healing, heart, help, Love, prayer, soul, Thanksgiving

Living From the Heart

Living from the heart.  What does this mean?  Another expression “living wholeheartedly.”  I love Brene Brown, she has done several great works on this subject of living wholeheartedly and authentically.  But what does it look like, this wholehearted living?

I will try to flesh this out in the way that I have been working on.  The Word courage actually has at the root of it “Heart”.  Middle English (denoting the heart, as the seat of feelings): from Old French corage, from Latin cor ‘heart.’  So we know that courage takes heart.  It has meant for me to moving forward despite the way I am feeling.  Courage does not mean that I am not afraid but that I continue on my path despite my fears.

The bible tells us that “perfect love casts out fear” 1John 4;18.  So, it is impossible to experience love when we are in a state of fear.  Courage is an act of faith, to move forward despite our fears.  It takes courage and faith to believe you are not dying of cancer when the doctors tell you that you have six months to live.

Much of this courage begins with thought and intention.  Humans are the only created being that have the ability to observe thought.  That means we can think about what we are thinking about.  We also have the ability to police those thoughts.

When I was first told I had six months to live, I sat one day and made a list of every negative, fatalistic thought that I had.  I memorized it and place it before myself so any time I had one of those thoughts, I recognized it and chased it from my mind.  I replaced it with prayers and healing intentions for myself.  This went on hundreds of times a day, in the beginning.  In time, I found I had less and less of those thoughts to chase.

I spend nearly a half and hour a day when I am in a dreamy state before I get up and and I do my work.  My true work.  I pray and meditate on my good health and healing intentions for my body.  I chase fear, I invite in love and light and express extreme gratitude for another day.  This time I spend is extremely important and it helps me to be fortified from within before I begin my day.  I am not in a particular position but I do practice breathing and listening to my breath.

In this state I envision and experience health with my thoughts and my emotions.  I express my gratitude for the simplest things: my body, my mind, my family, my husband, children, food, shelter.  I ask for nothing just gratitude for what I have.  I experience joy and contentment.  Here and now.

Living from the heart is rare.  People often say I am brave, if that means being authentic and genuine then yes, I am brave.  I guess I put a lot “out there” and express openly what others would not.  At times it does feel risky but it is mostly out of an attempt to help  someone who may be in a dark and fearful place.  To give them hope and potentially show them a way out.  I have been in dark places myself and I know how scary it can be to be alone with bad thoughts and intentions towards myself.  I spent many years there.  But those years have given me much compassion and understanding.

Living from the heart is healthy.  I believe it is what we were created to do.  To experience love and express love freely.  It is mainly negative experiences that cause us to wall ourselves off.  And with some folks who have proven themselves to be untrustworthy with our hearts, it is right to do.  I was not created to be anyone’s doormat.  Neither were you.  But I was created to be a welcome mat and there is a HUGE difference!!

I will share one of my favorite talks here:


Posted in heart, help, narcissism, Uncategorized

Why do Narcissists Cheat, commit adultery and have extra marital affairs and liasons.

My series on narcissists is very popular on here so I found this very good article I thought I would share.

By Sam Vaknin.

Narcissists cheat on their spouses, commit adultery and have extramarital affairs and liaisons for a variety of reasons which reflect disparate psychodynamic processes:   1. In the quest for narcissistic supply, the somatic narcissist resorts to serial sexual conquests.   2. Narcissists are easily bored (they have a low boredom threshold) and they have a low tolerance for boredom. Sexual dalliances alleviate this nagging and frustrating ennui.   3. Narcissists maintain an island and focus of stability in their life, but all the other dimensions of their existence are chaotic, unstable, and unpredictable. This “twister” formation serves many emotional needs which I expound upon elsewhere. Thus, a narcissist may be a model employee and pursue a career path over decades even as he cheats on his wife and fritters their savings away.   4. Narcissists feel superior and important and so entitled to beabove the law and to engage in behaviors that are frowned upon and considered socially unacceptable in others. They reject and vehemently resent all limitations and conditions placed upon them by their partners. They act on their impulses and desires unencumbered by social conventions and strictures.   5. Marriage, monogamy, and child-bearing and rearing are common activities that characterize the average person. The narcissist feels robbed of his uniqueness by these pursuits and coerced into the relationship and into roles – such as a husband and a father – that reduce him to the lowest of common denominators. This narcissistic injury leads him to rebel and reassert his superiority and specialness by maintaining extramarital affairs.   6. Narcissists are control freaks. Having a relationship implies a give-and-take and a train of compromises which the narcissist acutely interprets to mean a loss of control over his life. To reassert control, the narcissist initiates other relationships in which he dictates the terms of engagement (love affairs).   7. Narcissists are terrified of intimacy. Their behavior is best characterized as an approach-avoidance repetition complex. Adultery is an excellent tool in the attempt to retard intimacy and resort to a less threatening mode of interaction.

Broadly speaking, there are two types of narcissists, loosely corresponding to the two categories mentioned in the question: the somatic narcissist and the cerebral narcissist.

Narcissists are misogynist. They hold women in contempt, they loathe and fear them. They seek to torment and frustrate them (either by debasing them sexually – or by withholding sex from them). They harbor ambiguous feelings towards the sexual act.

The somatic narcissist uses sex to “conquer” and “secure” new sources of narcissistic supply. Consequently, the somatic rarely gets emotionally involved with his “targets”. His is a mechanical act, devoid of intimacy and commitment. The cerebral narcissist feels that sex is demeaning and degrading. Acting on one’s sex drive is a primitive, basic, and common impulse. The cerebral narcissist convinces himself that he is above all that, endowed as he is with superior intelligence and superhuman self-control.

Still, sex for both types of narcissists is an instrument designed to increase the number of Sources of Narcissistic Supply. If it happens to be the most efficient weapon in the narcissist’s arsenal, he makes profligate use of it. In other words: if the narcissist cannot obtain adoration, admiration, approval, applause, or any other kind of attention by other means (e.g., intellectually) – he resorts to sex.

He then become a satyr (or a nymphomaniac): indiscriminately engages in sex with multiple partners. His sex partners are considered by him to be objects – sources of Narcissistic Supply. It is through the processes of successful seduction and sexual conquest that the narcissist derives his badly needed narcissistic “fix”.

The narcissist is likely to perfect his techniques of courting and regard his sexual exploits as a form of art. He usually exposes this side of him – in great detail – to others, to an audience, expecting to win their approval and admiration. Because the Narcissistic Supply in his case is in the very act of conquest and (what he perceives to be) subordination – the narcissist is forced to hop from one partner to another.

Some narcissists prefer “complicated” situations. If men – they prefer virgins, married women, frigid or lesbian women, etc. The more “difficult” the target – the more rewarding the narcissistic outcome. Such a narcissist may be married, but he does not regard his extra-marital affairs as either immoral or a breach of any explicit or implicit contract between him and his spouse.

He keeps explaining to anyone who cares to listen that his other sexual partners are nothing to him, meaningless, that he is merely taking advantage of them and that they do not constitute a threat and should not be taken seriously by his spouse. In his mind a clear separation exists between the honest “woman of his life” (really, a saint) and the whores that he is having sex with.

With the exception of the meaningful women in his life, he tends to view all females in a bad light. His behaviour, thus, achieves a dual purpose: securing Narcissistic Supply, on the one hand – and re-enacting old, unresolved conflicts and traumas (abandonment by Primary Objects and the Oedipal conflict, for instance).

When inevitably abandoned by his spouse – the narcissist is veritably shocked and hurt. This is the sort of crisis, which might drive him to psychotherapy. Still, deep inside, he feels compelled to continue to pursue precisely the same path. His abandonment is cathartic, purifying. Following a period of deep depression and suicidal ideation – the narcissist is likely to feel cleansed, invigorated, unshackled, ready for the next round of hunting.

But there is another type of narcissist. He also has bouts of sexual hyperactivity in which he trades sexual partners and tends to regard them as objects. However, with him, this is a secondary behaviour. It appears mainly after major narcissistic traumas and crises.

A painful divorce, a devastating personal financial upheaval – and this type of narcissist adopts the view that the “old” (intellectual) solutions do not work anymore. He frantically gropes and searches for new ways to attract attention, to restore his False Ego (=his grandiosity) and to secure a subsistence level of Narcissistic Supply.

Sex is handy and is a great source of the right kind of supply: it is immediate, sexual partners are interchangeable, the solution is comprehensive (it encompasses all the aspects of the narcissist’s being), natural, highly charged, adventurous, and pleasurable. Thus, following a life crisis, the cerebral narcissist is likely to be deeply involved in sexual activities – very frequently and almost to the exclusion of all other matters.

However, as the memories of the crisis fade, as the narcissistic wounds heal, as the Narcissistic Cycle re-commences and the balance is restored – this second type of narcissist reveals his true colours. He abruptly loses interest in sex and in all his sexual partners. The frequency of his sexual activities deteriorates from a few times a day – to a few times a year. He reverts to intellectual pursuits, sports, politics, voluntary activities – anything but sex.

This kind of narcissist is afraid of encounters with the opposite sex and is even more afraid of emotional involvement or commitment that he fancies himself prone to develop following a sexual encounter. In general, such a narcissist withdraws not only sexually – but also emotionally. If married – he loses all overt interest in his spouse, sexual or otherwise. He confines himself to his world and makes sure that he is sufficiently busy to preclude any interaction with his nearest (and supposedly dearest).

He becomes completely immersed in “big projects”, lifelong plans, a vision, or a cause – all very rewarding narcissistically and all very demanding and time-consuming. In such circumstances, sex inevitably becomes an obligation, a necessity, or a maintenance chore reluctantly undertaken to preserve his sources of supply (his family or household).

The cerebral narcissist does not enjoy sex and by far prefers masturbation or “objective”, emotionless sex, like going to prostitutes. Actually, he uses his mate or spouse as an “alibi”, a shield against the attentions of other women, an insurance policy which preserves his virile image while making it socially and morally commendable for him to avoid any intimate or sexual contact with others.

Ostentatiously ignoring women other than his wife (a form of aggression) he feels righteous in saying: “I am a faithful husband”. At the same time, he feels hostility towards his spouse for ostensibly preventing him from freely expressing his sexuality, for isolating him from carnal pleasures.

The narcissist’s thwarted logic goes something like this: “I am married/attached to this woman. Therefore, I am not allowed to be in any form of contact with other women which might be interpreted as more than casual or businesslike. This is why I refrain from having anything to do with women – because I am being faithful, as opposed to most other immoral men.

However, I do not like this situation. I envy my free peers. They can have as much sex and romance as they want to – while I am confined to this marriage, chained by my wife, my freedom curbed. I am angry at her and I will punish her by abstaining from having sex with her.”

Thus frustrated, the narcissist minimises all manner of intercourse with his close circle (spouse, children, parents, siblings, very intimate friends): sexual, verbal, or emotional. He limits himself to the rawest exchanges of information and isolates himself socially.

His reclusion insures against a future hurt and avoids the intimacy that he so dreads. But, again, this way he also secures abandonment and the replay of old, unresolved, conflicts. Finally, he really is left alone by everyone, with no Secondary Sources of Supply.

In his quest to find new sources, he again embarks on ego-mending bouts of sex, followed by the selection of a spouse or a mate (a Secondary Narcissistic Supply Source). Then the cycle re-commence: a sharp drop in sexual activity, emotional absence and cruel detachment leading to abandonment.

The second type of narcissist is mostly sexually loyal to his spouse. He alternates between what appears to be hyper-sexuality and asexuality (really, forcefully repressed sexuality). In the second phase, he feels no sexual urges, bar the most basic. He is, therefore, not compelled to “cheat” upon his mate, betray her, or violate the marital vows. He is much more interested in preventing a worrisome dwindling of the kind of Narcissistic Supply that really matters. Sex, he says to himself, contentedly, is for those who can do no better.

Somatic narcissists tend to verbal exhibitionism. They tend to brag in graphic details about their conquests and exploits. In extreme cases, they might introduce “live witnesses” and revert to total, classical exhibitionism. This sits well with their tendency to “objectify” their sexual partners, to engage in emotionally neutral sex (group sex, for instance) and to indulge in autoerotic sex.

The exhibitionist sees himself reflected in the eyes of the beholders. This constitutes the main sexual stimulus, this is what turns him on. This outside “look” is also what defines the narcissist. There is bound to be a connection. One (the exhibitionist) may be the culmination, the “pure case” of the other (the narcissist).

Sin of self-love possesseth all mine eye
And all my soul and all my every part;
And for this sin there is no remedy,
It is so grounded inward in my heart.
Methinks no face so gracious is as mine,
No shape so true, no truth of such account;
And for myself mine own worth do define,
As I all other in all worths surmount.
But when my glass shows me myself indeed,
Beated and chopp’d with tann’d antiquity,
Mine own self-love quite contrary I read;
Self so self-loving were iniquity.
‘Tis thee, myself, that for myself I praise,
Painting my age with beauty of thy days.

(Sonnet 62Free Reprint Articles, William Shakespeare)

Article Tags: Spouses, Commit AdulteryHave Extramarital AffairsNarcissists CheatSpouses, Commit,Commit AdulteryHave ExtramaritalExtramarital AffairsSomatic NarcissistNarcissistic Supply,Cerebral NarcissistSexual Partners

Source: Free Articles from


Posted in faith, Grace, hapiness, healing, heart, Love, soul, Uncategorized

Groundhog Day………..Is this your special holiday?

In 1993 a comedic movie was released starring Bill Murray and Andie Mc Dowell.  The basic plot is as follows:

Self-centered and sour TV meteorologist Phil Connors (Bill Murray), news producer Rita (Andie MacDowell) and cameraman Larry (Chris Elliott) from fictional Pittsburgh television station WPBH-TV9 travel to Punxsutawney, Pennsylvania, to cover the annual Groundhog Dayfestivities with Punxsutawney Phil. Having grown tired of this assignment, Phil grudgingly gives his report and attempts to return to Pittsburgh when a blizzard shuts down the roads. Phil and his team are forced to return to Punxsutawney and stay in town overnight.

Phil wakes up to find that he is reliving February 2. The day plays out exactly as it did before, with no one else aware of the time loop, and only Phil aware of past events. At first he is confused, but, when the phenomenon continues on subsequent days, he decides to take advantage of the situation with no fear of long-term consequences: he learns secrets from the town’s residents, seduces women, steals money, drives recklessly, and gets thrown in jail. However, his attempts to get closer to Rita repeatedly fail.

Eventually, Phil becomes despondent and tries more and more drastically to end the time loop; he gives ridiculous and offensive reports on the festival, abuses residents, and eventually kidnaps Punxsutawney Phil and, after a police chase, drives into a quarry, evidently killing both himself and the groundhog. However, Phil wakes up and finds that nothing has changed; further attempts at suicide are just as fruitless as he continues to find himself awaking at 6:00 A.M. on the morning of February 2 with the clock-radio on his bedstand playing I Got You, Babe by Sonny & Cher.

When Phil explains the situation to Rita, she suggests that he should take advantage of it to improve himself. Inspired, Phil endeavors to try to learn more about Rita, building upon his knowledge of her and the town each day. He begins to use his by-now vast experience of the day to help as many people around town as possible. He uses the time to learn, among other things, to play piano, ice sculpt and speak French.

Eventually, Phil is able to befriend almost everyone he meets during the day, using his experiences to save lives, help townspeople, and to get closer to Rita. He crafts a report on the Groundhog Day celebration so eloquent that all the other stations turn their microphones to him. After the evening dance, Rita and Phil retire together to Phil’s room. He wakes the next morning and finds the time loop is broken; it is now February 3 and Rita is still with him. After going outside, Phil talks about living in Punxsutawney with Rita.

Think about your own life, do you have certain patterns of events, circumstances or failure, repeat themselves over and over?  Do you find yourself in the same failed relationships again and again.  I hate to be the bearer of bad news but the one common denominator in all these dramas is YOU!  You tell yourself that, you just need a better partner, boss.  You need to change the cast of characters etc.  What you don’t realize is that it is YOU that creates and re creates the same drama again and again.  You can change the names, but the core problem remains the same.

It has been said that the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result.  Are you insane?

What do you do to break the cycle?  Begin with YOU.  Realize that in order for your life to be different, YOU MUST BE DIFFERENT.  Being different feels really weird at first.  You will feel like a fish out of water.  But remember that in order to adopt different behavior patterns, you must adopt different behavior, thoughts and eventually beliefs.  It takes time and lots of consistent mental work.  Over time though, you can do it…… can change your life.  BUT you must begin with YOU!!

How ironic that the Groundhog Day is all about shadows.  A shadow is an area where direct light from a light source cannot reach due to obstruction by an object.  The obstruction in this analogy is you and your unproductive, faulty beliefs and patterns.  Do yourself a favor and get out of your own way today.  Try to thoughtfully respond to others instead of reacting.  Your figurative spring could be just around the corner.

2 Corinthians 5:17New International Version (NIV

)17 Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, the new creation has come:[a] The old has gone, the new is here!

Posted in faith, God, Grace, healing, heart, help, Love

The Power of “IF”…………..

The word “if” is an interesting one.  It speaks of hidden potential.  It is often used conditionally……if you do this, then this will happen.

It is a poem by Rudyard Kipling (which is a favorite of mine)


If you can keep your head when all about you
Are losing theirs and blaming it on you;
If you can trust yourself when all men doubt you,
But make allowance for their doubting too;
If you can wait and not be tired by waiting,
Or, being lied about, don’t deal in lies,
Or, being hated, don’t give way to hating,
And yet don’t look too good, nor talk too wise;

If you can dream – and not make dreams your master;
If you can think – and not make thoughts your aim;
If you can meet with triumph and disaster
And treat those two imposters just the same;
If you can bear to hear the truth you’ve spoken
Twisted by knaves to make a trap for fools,
Or watch the things you gave your life to broken,
And stoop and build ’em up with wornout tools;

If you can make one heap of all your winnings
And risk it on one turn of pitch-and-toss,
And lose, and start again at your beginnings
And never breath a word about your loss;
If you can force your heart and nerve and sinew
To serve your turn long after they are gone,
And so hold on when there is nothing in you
Except the Will which says to them: “Hold on”;

If you can talk with crowds and keep your virtue,
Or walk with kings – nor lose the common touch;
If neither foes nor loving friends can hurt you;
If all men count with you, but none too much;
If you can fill the unforgiving minute
With sixty seconds’ worth of distance run –
Yours is the Earth and everything that’s in it,
And – which is more – you’ll be a Man my son!

Great Poem……………

But yesterday I realized in my reflection that the word “IF” is the only difference between LOVE and LIFE.  And it made me smile to realize that without LOVE……true uncommon and unconditional LOVE, there is NO LIFE.  Or at least no life worth living, that is.  So I came up with a small and simple equation.  LOVE + IF = LIFE.

If we love others and extend ourselves sacrificially towards others, we have an exceptional and satisfying life.  It has truly worked for me!!  And God did it for us FIRST!!

Posted in Chemotherapy, God, heart, Love, Survival, Uncategorized

Grace……..a poignant human portrayal. The story of John Bibby & I

Grace, we hear the word in church, at mealtime and when something unexpected and undeserved happens.  I have defined it for years as “unmerited favor”.  I have known for quite sometime that it is what God extended to us, “while we were yet, sinners”

Romans 5:8

New International Version (NIV)

8 But God demonstrates his own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us.

But what does this look like on a daily basis and do we truly extend this to those around us, as we are called to do?

I do not have to look very far, in my life to remember the most poignant example of grace I have ever experienced, in human flesh.  It is the story of my boyfriend John and I.

Our story begins in the most unlikely way and like this:  In 2007 I had a very regular boyfriend (who became husband #2 John Smith).  We had been dating off & on since the fall of 2003.  I say off & on because this was a tumultuous relationship and we had significant “off times” when John Smith would become angry or upset about something and he would call off our relationship.  It was during one of these times, I met a guy named John Bibby online and we starting “hanging out”.  He was handsome, fun, very smart etc. but my heart was still wrapped up with John Smith.  John Bibby was a good distraction for me and was “never going to be a serious relationship”.  After all, he was nearly 10 years younger than me and I was seriously bound to John Smith.

Over the course of the next 18 months, when I was tossed aside, I would call John Bibby and we had some really good times, great conversations etc.  John Bibby also really bonded with my son Tucker.  They used to hang out and do things together, even without me.  John and Tucker really enjoyed  hanging out and  Tucker really needed a positive male role model.  John Bibby was always respectful, thoughtful,  helpful, kind, resourceful etc.  On an intellectual level, I knew he was everything I was supposed to want in a partner.  We really got along well……we never fussed with one another.  Never!!  But regardless of all this great stuff…..I was stuck on John Smith.  As soon as the phone call came from him, I would toss John Bibby aside and run back into my unhealthy relationship with John Smith.

In late 2008, John Smith and I were off again.  John Bibby and I were spending time together again.  Now, John Bibby has never been married or had any kids of his own, and one day I discussed the fact with John Bibby that I probably would like to get married again someday.  Some time in the beginning of February we had this discussion and I asked John Bibby if he thought he would ever consider being married.  Then I asked the question that lives in infamy.  Did he ever think he could consider me for a marriage partner?  His answer showed a lot of wisdom.  He said that if I could stay in a relationship with him for more that 6-12 months and I would stop running away, yes he would consider it.

Now get this folks………within a week of that conversation, John Smith asked me to marry him and I agreed.  I tossed John Bibby aside one final time, without much explanation except this:  I knew there was something wrong with me.  I told John Bibby through tears, one final time that I was back with John Smith and I would not be contacting him again.  I could hear the complete and utter confusion and devastation I was causing him.  As I hung up the phone, I was aware that I had just pushed away the one man who had been absolutely wonderful to me for the final time.

John Bibby emailed me about 2 weeks later and begged me to continue his relationship with Tucker.  I was now married and I sent back a 2 word reply, in all caps…….it said  NO CONTACT!!  That was the last time I heard from John Bibby.

Fast forward to the beginning of November 2009:   I am about 12 weeks into my cancer journey.  John Smith has bailed on the marriage and I am living in Melbourne, in a hotel room with my 17-year-old son Tucker.  I am trying to figure out where we are going to live, where I am going to get treatment etc.  I am in the midst of trying to get this huge puzzle put together of our life.  I was really concerned about Tucker, he was a senior at Viera High School and I could tell, he was really concerned about our life.  I just needed some space too……mentally just so I could cry, scream, think and pray.  I was not finding that space with Tucker there.  I was trying to put a good face on things and keep him from worrying.  That was not working out so well.  Then one day in my prayers about Tucker and our situation, I thought about John Bibby.  I knew he probably hated me (and rightfully so) but I knew he still loved Tucker.  I thought about calling him for probably about a week before I got the guts to actually reach out and do it.  My first attempt was actually an IM on Yahoo but he ignored it, thinking it was a bot and not really me.  I thought he was ignoring it because he hated me but I tried again.  This time he acknowledged the IM and said if it was really me, call him.  I no longer had his number so I asked him to send me his number.  He did so reluctantly, still thinking it was not really me.  Once I had his number, I stared at it for 3 days before I got up the guts to call it.

Our first conversation was very tentative and went something like this:      I said hello John, I appreciate you taking my call.  I really would not blame you if you hung up on me right now but I have a problem……… I told him about my recent cancer diagnosis, my subsequent separation and my current situation.  I explained to him that I was calling him to see if he would be willing to come and help me with Tucker.  I told him that he did not need to even see me, I would put Tucker out on the curb to be picked up etc.  Would he be willing to help me with Tucker?  And I took a big gulp and waited for his response ( I was sooooo scared at this point).  He said NO!!!  I was just about to thank him for taking my call, hang up and ball my eyes out when he stopped me.  He said, what I mean is……..I will not just hang out with Tucker, it is a package deal.  I want to hang out with you too.  What?  Really?  I then told him……”look I am shot out, I am NOT in the mood or inclined towards romance or anything like that”.  Do you understand that?  I then said, well, here is where I am going to be hanging out…….I am going to be getting chemo, my hair is going to be falling out.  I am hanging out at the exciting Cancer Center.  You understand that don’t you?  I am going to be sick and sleepy and not much fun for the next year.  Are you getting this?  This is where you want to be?  After I was so horrible to you?

He answered yes……this is where I want to be.  I have been a dead man walking for the past year and I can not believe I am getting this opportunity to help you now.  I guess given what I had been through with my husband, I did not dare to believe that it was true.  I protected myself and my heart for quite some time.  I kept waiting for John Bibby to run away like his hair was on fire, at some point.  I thought well…..wait until my hair falls out, then he will leave. ……….  Wait until I am very weak, helpless and no fun at all, then he will go away.  It was not until nearly March of 2010 when I had thrush so bad and I gave it to John for his 40th birthday (he was sooooo sick)…I thought surely he would run away then, but he never did.  He never left Tucker’s or my side for over 6 months.  He cooked, he cleaned, he helped Tucker get the best grades of his academic life, he taught Tucker how to drive.  He brought me food and drink when I was weak and slept for days on end.  He took me to all of my appointments (and there were hundreds).  He sacrificed himself financially to be there for me through it all.  What do you do with a man like this?  I tell you what you do………you love him back.  I finally have allowed myself to have the partner I have always dreamed of.

This portrait I have just painted is the closest thing I have ever experienced God’s grace, in human form. John Bibby would have been well within his rights to tell me to “go fly a kite” when he heard from me in November 2009.  No one would have condemned him if he did so…….myself included.  But he was compelled by his decency and love for me to extend himself beyond what was common.  This was an uncommon act of GRACE!!

I thank God for John Bibby daily.  We still don’t fuss with one another.  I have NO DOUBT of his love and devotion to me.  And at this point, I have had the opportunity to give back to him uncommon support when he has needed it.  He does not doubt my love for him either.  We have weathered one of life’s most harrowing storms together, it has made our bond incredibly strong.  He is my greatest supporter, in whatever I choose to do and I am his.  This is the way it supposed to be.  It is because of this large measure of grace I have received, that I am able to extend myself in uncommon ways.

Thank you God for your grace & mercy, it is new everyday!!  Thank you for the gift of a great friend and partner……..John Bibby!!

Here is a Poem John Inspired me to write:  It says it all.

A Caregivers LOVE………by Dawn Faust

by Dawn Faust on Wednesday, February 2, 2011 at 7:28pm

 LOVE sits beside me in a chemo chair

He says I am beautiful without any hair

He smiles reassuringly when I am afraid

He gives to me peace tho nothing is said.

LOVE brings me a drink

And gently kisses my cheek

He says that he loves me

And yet does not speak.

LOVE watches everyone

That works over me

My vigilant sentry

To the highest degree

LOVE  brings me home

He tucks me in bed

He checks on me frequently

He kisses my head.

LOVE wakes me for food

To help keep me strong

He fusses and fetches

At times all night long.

LOVE is not angry

He is patient and kind

He is always helpful

And does not mind

LOVE continually gives

Without self-regard

It is not a burden

It is natural, not hard

LOVE does not keep track

Of all that he’s done

All that matters to him

Is the battle be WON.

 God Bless the caregivers………………LOVE = John Bibby.

Posted in God, heart, Love, Post Cancer, Uncategorized

Why did I just do that? Motives demystified :)

I don’t know about you but I am so encouraged by the following scripture:

Romans 7:15New Living Translation (©2007)

I don’t really understand myself, for I want to do what is right, but I don’t do it. Instead, I do what I hate.

(The apostle Paul is so easy to relate to at times.  I am so thankful that he was willing to be real in his writing and shared his struggles.)

How many times have you been in the position where you did not understand your very own actions or reactions to an event, situation or person?  I can so relate to living in complete and utter frustration at times to the way I have acted or reacted.  I have been completely mystified by the choices that I have made in the past when I knew (in my mind) that they were not good for me.

I have recently learned in reading a great book….“The Healing Codes“, that when we are in a heart vs. head struggle, the heart wins every time.  We do not do what we think…….we do what we believe.  I finally see that what I think is VERY different from what I believe and it is my beliefs that dictate my actions and choices.

So where do our beliefs come from?  Remember, everything that we encounter “leaves an impression” on us.  Consequently, we get our beliefs (what lives in our hearts) from a variety of places.  The multiplied impressions that are made over long periods of time, is what we believe. It comes from interactions, the way we are treated, the mistakes that we make, our families and friends.   The Bible admonishes us to guard our hearts ABOVE EVERYTHING!!! Read this verse and contemplate it in the light of this discussion.  Wow, it is a very STRONG statement.

Proverbs 4:23

New International Version (©1984)
Above all else, guard your heart, for it is the wellspring of life.

Your heart is so precious, it directs your entire life and what motivates you. Your heart is not your feelings, your feelings are merely a heading on the compass, your heart is your engine or driver.  It propels you towards what you have assimilated as “truth”.  So what if your engine is propelling you towards what you know is not right and healthy for you?  What do you do?  How do you heal a truly broken heart/belief system?

  • All true healing begins with acknowledging you have a problem.  Then bringing them before a loving God.  All “broken heart” issues come from a past hurt or acceptance of misinformation about yourself.  Your God has a correct estimation of you and knows you intimately and loves you.  Ask him to bring forth those broken images and memories and to heal you of the subconscious,  incorrect script that you have accepted into your heart.
  • God will bring forth those instances and situations where you were not valued/ loved properly.  It was in those moments you assimilated an incorrect valuation of yourself.  You bought an untruth, a lie, a bad script.
  • Ask God to heal those memories and help you to see yourself as he does……..worthy of every good gift, whole, integrated and HIS beautiful child.
  • You will most likely also have to do some forgiveness work when you identify the people and situations that hurt you and sold you the bad script.   Go ahead and do it, and repeat often!  Your heart will thank you!!
  • These untruths also block YOU from experiencing God’s LOVE.  God never moves or changes, he is Good all the time.  It is we who have heart issues that block us from experiencing the full love of God.  Once these lies and false beliefs are removed, when God whispers, you will hear him.
  • When the static of all this misinformation is removed, the still, small voice of God is loud and clear!!  YAY!!
I have my PHD. in this……..I picked up a very bad script in my second childhood home.  I was neglected and not valued in this household.  I was treated as a non entity.  What I wanted, thought, needed did not matter.  Through a 10 year process of living in this environment, I bought a bad script that told me…..I did not matter.  And throughout my adult life, I battled this “non entity” stronghold.  It was that stronghold that compelled me to pick the cast of characters I surrounded myself with at the time of my cancer diagnosis.   That’s right I chose the people who eventually abandoned me after my cancer diagnosis.  It was the diminished estimation of my own needs and value that allowed these non supportive people to have a major role in my life.  And of course these people abandoned me, suddenly I had undeniable needs that they were ill prepared to meet.  They stayed within the roles that I had always allowed.  They were not there for my needs, I was there for theirs and now that I was unable to fulfill that, they had no need for me.  
This was a very difficult lesson to learn at a  very difficult time but praise God, I got it!!
God and I work daily to see myself and others as he does.  This process takes time everyday, sometimes I take hours to search and find what lies lurking deep in my heart. I am so much better today, I continue to work in this area daily and help lead others in their own healing of their heart.  Our very lives may depend on these heart issues.
So, I leave you with this question.  What did you do or say this week that was in-congruent with who or where  you want to be?  Some heart surgery may be just what the doctor ordered!!
PS……..I have not arrived, I will probably work on this for the rest of my life.  I can say, I am so much further down the road then I was 2 years ago!!  Thank God!!  It has completely transformed my life!!