I have had a bunch of folks write to me privately and ask many questions on this subject. So here is the post that answers many of those questions:
- Didn’t you know that you had a narcissist in your life?
- What are some specific types of things did “your narcissist” do?
- Why did you put up it?
- Do you have contact with that person now?
- How long did it take you to “recover”?
- How do you feel about that person now?
I have clearly expressed that my life with the narcissist was a roller coaster ride. Everyday I would walk on eggshells and know that at any time, the switch could be flipped and rage and violence could erupt over really rather trivial things. The narcissist that I knew was actually very honest with me, on our very first date he proclaimed that “everything was about him”. At the time I was not aware how true that was. I thought he was being funny.
The narcissist is a master of disguise. They actually appear VERY charming and when it suites them, they can really sweep a girl off their feet with romance and candles etc. But the charm is fleeting and will be turned back off as soon as they have what they want from you. Actually, they are incapable of any genuine emotion towards anyone else except anger, rage etc. They are not capable of love and anything truly sacrificial. They will put on a good act from time to time but time will always show that it really is not in their repertoire. They will have a life landscape littered with drama and broken relationships. They do not have the emotional wherewithal to sustain a relationship with anyone long-term. They will lie about the failure of the relationships around them because the truth is not very attractive. When I met “my narcissist” he was at the end of a horrible divorce situation, his ex-wife was “crazy” and stalking him. In retrospect, I now see this was again lies to make me feel sorry for him and because the truth was ugly. The fact is, I never saw his EX wife, she apparently made a new life for herself and moved on. She remarried and left the area.
I have heard from others that the same story is being said about me. Nothing could be further from the truth. I am incredibly happy with my post cancer life and have focused on getting well and putting all the drama behind me. I would not go back to that crazy drama filled existence for a million + dollars. The life I have today is positive, sweet and peaceful. I am sure there is some other poor soul who is enduring the roller coaster now.
Remember, the narcissist will never see themselves as any part of the problem. The narcissist will constantly accuse you of things that you have not done, and have you defending yourself against the indefensible. My grandmother always said that people will accuse you of what they are actually capable of. All the accusations are actually them projecting onto you what they are doing or capable of.
And that brings me to the next question. Why do any of us put up with the narcissist? First of all, the narcissist will look for someone who is weak or has recently experienced some type of loss. When I met the narcissist, I had just gone through the loss of a 22 year marriage. I was alone in Florida and felt very off-balance with my new life. So, the narcissist is attracted to and finds the emotionally vulnerable. Also, they will look for the emotionally damaged. I was definitely damaged and had a diminished self-worth at the time that I met him. Then, he worked on me and continued to break me down until I really thought I was lost without him. He isolated me by constantly accusing me of different things so that I would not go out, for fear that it would cause an argument. I danced and placated but all to no avail, nothing was EVER good enough.
No, I do not have contact with this person now. From the day I was threatened and walked out the door, I made the decision to fight cancer, not him The very best decision I have ever made was to focus on my health and nothing else. I saw him over the summer once, I waved just to acknowledge him and he flipped me the bird. I then saw, he has not moved one inch from where we parted ways. He is still angry and ugly for no real reason………getting sick was apparently something he did not know how to deal with.
It took me a full year of being very private and focused on my health, for me to get well. I went to a counselor and she helped me put everything in the right perspective, to talk about all of this and to help me to heal from the trauma of being deserted after my cancer diagnosis. But remember, it was this crucial betrayal that made me realize, I had a really serious core issue with my self-worth.
How do I feel about this person today……….I forgive them. I actually pray for him quite regularly. I know God has a purpose and plan for each and every one of us, including the narcissist. God loves them just as much as he loves me. Now all that being said, I do not want this person in my life in any way, shape or form. My life is GOOD 🙂 I am in a great place. I am HEALTHY……….I am LOVED………..I am WORTHY……………I am SUCCESSFUL………..I am ENOUGH and at peace.